There is a lot of talk right now on the Internet, in news articles, even from church pulpits, about the social networking site, Facebook, being a “Marriage Killer.” Some lawyers are saying that Facebook is a major factor in one in five divorces. I haven't seen that in my practice, but my we may just be behind the times here in Lake Havasu City, Arizona, which--while lovely--is often not the trendiest of places. Other lawyers will tell you that Facebook accounts are a major source of information that they mine to get dirt on cheating spouses. There are preachers telling their congregations that, if they value their marriages, they will go home right after the service and cancel their Facebook accounts. You can find some of that discussion in the articles linked here. If you want more, just Google “facebook marriage killer” and you will have reading material for a week.
For the record, I am not a member of Facebook or any other social networking site. I don't have anything against them, they just seem to soak up a lot of time that I need to spend on other things.
My wife, Kathy, and I are co-authors of the book How to Save Your Marriage from 12 Top Marriage Killers. Facebook is not one of the marriage killers we list. But, since the phrase “marriage killers” in the title, I feel compelled to put in my oar and, as a person with a naturally contrarian and argumentative personality, I am going to voice an opinion that on the subject that appears to be a minority view.
My position is simply this: Facebook is not a marriage killer. Or, at least, it is no more a marriage killer than the telephone, the automobile, women working outside the home, the social acceptability of men and women mixing socially without their spouses, cell phones, email, internet chat rooms, instant messaging, and text messaging—all of which were derided as greased poles to the perdition of adultery in their time. The real marriage killers at work here are the same ones that have been at work since the beginning of time, Lack of Commitment, Boredom, and so on.
These situations and technologies merely provide means and opportunity for adultery. They are not the cause. Let’s be honest. When you “friend” an old flame on Facebook, maybe it is just for the purpose of getting caught up and talking about old times. These are certainly reasonable and innocent objectives, if those are really what you have in mind. On the other hand, if what you are really going for is a little excitement—not an affair mind you—just a little excitement, some flirtatious banter, a little whiff of the heady powder smoke of danger, then we are talking about something entirely different. You are turning to someone outside the marriage for something that you should be finding inside the marriage. Your interest is sexual. It may not be overtly sexual. It may not be intensely sexual. But, it is sexual nonetheless.
When you turn outside the marriage to a live person for some kind of sexual excitement or gratification, you are (1) showing that there is something lacking in your marriage and (2) putting your marriage in danger. (See my post to this blog on April 7, 2007 on Infidelity for a discussion of how “innocent” flirtations can sink a marriage). Plus, you are taking the first step down the road toward having sex with someone who is not your spouse. In the real world, most people who stray usually do so by baby steps. They don’t just wake up one day and decide, “Hey, I’m going to start screwing around. What a great idea!” Rather, they gravitate into a relationship with another person that gradually becomes more intense until it escalates into having sex with that person. These things all start somewhere, and--apparently--Facebook is one such place.
Better to avoid that path entirely.
Accordingly, I don’t think that, to preserve your marriage, you need to log in right this moment and cancel your Facebook account or never join in the first place. From what I hear, Facebook is a valuable and fun social tool that can be a real help in keeping in touch with friends, reconnecting with people from your past, and maintaining relationships with distant friends and family. If you do have a Facebook account, however, I would strongly recommend that you carefully and objectively review your “friends” list. Take a hard look at everyone on that list who is a credible adultery partner for you and ask yourself honestly both what your true reasons are for being in contact with that person and what is really going on in all of your communications with that person.
You know whether what is going in is pure friendship or whether something sexual is happening. If the latter, you need to cut it off immediately. The dangers are too high, and the temptations are too great. Don’t tell yourself that “it is just an innocent flirtation.” That doesn’t work any more than, “I’m just going to eat one cookie.” Plus, as I mentioned in my post on adultery here back in 2007, even the “innocent flirtation” takes energy away from the marriage that may be necessary to sustain it. That excitement and sexuality needs to be channeled into your marriage, not drained into the dead end of an extramarital relationship, even if that relationship never becomes overtly sexual.
Facebook is a mere instrumentality. In a murder, the responsibility does not lie with the tool, it lies with the murderer. Same with marriage. BUT, just because the responsibility for the shooting does not lie with the gun, that doesn't mean you want to play with a loaded revolver, much less point it at your own head.
For more information or to order our book about marriage killers, go to our web site http://www.honsingerbooks.com.
No comments:
Post a Comment