Marriage Killers, Part One: Debt and Greed

Note:  This post, written years ago, formed part of the inspiration for the new book published by my wife Kathy and me, How to Save Your Marriage from 12 Top Marriage Killers which is now available from Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble, and many other booksellers.  For more information on this book, please see other posts on this blog.  Or, just click on the following link and enter the discount code DLTWEULT to buy the book directly from Createspace for $10.00 plus postage:


https://www.createspace.com/3572687

I'm a "divorce lawyer," meaning that most of my practice consists of divorces, child custody cases, child support matters, and similar disputes. In a twisted sort of way, that makes me a bizarre kind of expert on marriage, the way that a pathologist becomes an expert on what kills people. I see a lot of dead marriages, and believe that, in an unscientific way, I am beginning to get a good idea of what kills them. One of the things I want to do in this blog is talk about those observations.

I believe in marriage. I want to see marriages succeed. I want people to be happy. I want to help people avoid some of the pitfalls that I have seen so many marriages. I call these pitfalls, "Marriage Killers."

Marriage Killer Number One: Debt and Overspending

Perhaps it is unfashionable to point to material circumstances as the killer of something that is supposed to be eternal and built on the indestructable rock of love, but the patterns I observe in the cases coming into my office are unmistakeable: in the overwhelming majority of cases, the couple is in serious hot water financially AND has been having serious disagreements over who is responsible for all the debt, who gets to buy what, who spent what, how money is going to be allocated, and how to get the family out of trouble.

Maybe these couples would have made it if the didn't have such terrible money problems. Maybe they wouldn't. But the stress of barely being able to keep their heads above water can't help. But, I can't help but see how angry they are with each other about material things. They have stored up so many grievances against each other about which spouse has gotten to spend more on him or herself, which spouse has created most of the debt, which spouse is responsible for the family being in trouble, which spouse works the hardest to make the money but has gotten the fewest benefits, and on and on.

What is tragic about these cases is that these couples' financial problems are entirely self-inflicted. These people are NOT poor. In fact, most of them have incomes well into the six figure range, which is quite affluent by the standards of Mohave County, Arizona where I practice. These are NOT families suddenly beset by some financial catastrophe, such as one spouse being diagnosed with cancer or losing a job. Rather, the source of these couples' financial stress is their own overspending.

Simply put, these young families, who earn what are essentially upper middle class incomes have a standard of living that that appears to represent their best efforts--given the credit and resources available to them--to emulate "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" or, at least, how people appear to live on soap operas. They certainly live far "better" than I do. It seems that they all live in 3000 square foot homes with granite counter tops, vaulted ceilings, and enormous "master suites." Of course, these residences come with $2500 a month mortgages. They drive $75,000 vehicles. Plural. The Hummer and the Beamer sit side by side in the four car, boat deep garage. Beside them, there is the Harley. Beside it are the multiple other toys, such as four wheelers, dirt bikes, and wave runners. The $250,000 boat is stored at a separate facility.

Let's not even think about what was spent on furniture, also financed or paid for with a credit card, not to mention the electronics. I'd kill to have a couple with a plain, old television. I hardly ever work on a case in which there is not a "home theater system" at issue. I've become expert at determining the fair market value of used Harleys.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those envious socialists who thinks that property is theft and that people should not have these things because they don't "need" them. On the contrary, I think wealth is great and that if people have the money, they can spend it on whatever they damn well please.

The problem in these cases is that these people don't have the wealth. They just have the stuff. And the debt. Often, these families are carrying a total debt load of half a million dollars, two to five times their combined annual incomes. They have huge notes on their luxury vehicles and the Harley and the wave runner and the boat. They have $75,000 in credit card debt because the home theater, the furniture, and the "toys" were all put on plastic. They are up to their eyeballs in hock and can barely make the payments, and are under unbearable emotional and financial stress--MOSTLY FOR THINGS THAT THEY DO NOT NEED.

And, when they divorce, they are in immediate and serious trouble because, not only do they have to come up with substantial sums to pay lawyers, there are now going to be two households to operate out of a pool of income that was barely sufficient to keep one going. Many of these assets will have to be sold, often at fire sale prices. Often, no one gets to live in the luxurious family home, because the house note is so high that neither spouse can afford to make the payments alone, even with alimony or child support payments. And, in a soft real estate market, the couple often loses tens of thousands of dollars on the sale, sometimes leaving no equity to distribute to the parties.

What if these couples had taken a more modest approach to the material facet of their lives together? Maybe they would have made it. Maybe, without the arguments over who gets what, who gets to spend what, whose fault it is to have all the stress, the marriage would have survived.

My advice to couples? Simple. Live within your means. That means:

1. Select a home with a mortgage payment or rent that you can EASILY make with your combined incomes. In fact, you will probably want to stick with the recommendation of many experts that your house payment or rent be no more than ONE THIRD of your family TAKE HOME pay (not your gross). There is no shame in living in a smaller home with fewer luxury amenities when you are getting established, or if your income simply will not easily support a larger home. Currently, I am living (with my wife and her son) in a 1400 square foot rental house, and the rent is under $800 a month.

2. Select vehicles that are similarly within your means. When you add your vehicle payments to your mortgage payment or rent, you should still have HALF of your take home pay left over. I'm a lawyer and spend several days a month on the road going from courthouse town to courthouse town, but I am driving an eleven year old used car--it runs well, has cold AC, and it's paid for. I don't need to impress anyone; I just need a vehicle that will comfortably and reliably get me from point A to point B. Which, by the way, is all most people need. If you can EASILY afford luxury wheels, knock yourself out. Otherwise, content yourself with something more humble until you can either save for something better, or until your economic circumstances improve. Irrespective of what your ego, your friends, and the salespeople are telling you, virtually no one NEEDS a new vehicle every three years and no one NEEDS a Yukon Denali or a Hummer or a Navigator or a Mercedes or a Beamer. Anyone friends, relations, potential romantic interests, or other folks whose opinion of you will be altered by what you drive are so shallow that you really shouldn't care what they think.

3. Do NOT go into debt to buy luxuries. And, yes, big screen TV's, boats, designer furniture, designer clothes, jewelry, and vacations are all luxuries. That does not mean you shouldn't have these things; it just means you should not have them if you cannot afford them. And, the way to be sure you can afford them is to save for them and pay cash. In fact, if you can possibly do without a credit card, do so. I don't have one and don't miss it.

4. SAVE money. Put ten percent of your take home pay away, every month. That way, if you have unexpected expenses, you can deal with them and there is no crisis. What if your car suddenly needs $2500 in repairs? If you are spending everything you are making, have no savings, and your credit cards are maxed, you are in trouble. If you have been living within your means and have money in the bank, it's no big deal. Think of all the stress, family crises, arguments, and other turmoil you will avoid. Think how much easier it will be for you as a couple to focus on your love for one another if you don't have to struggle every week to try to cover the bills.

Love, like every other tender emotion, flourishes best where animosity, turmoil, and conflict are kept to a minimum. On the other hand, where husband and wife are constantly struggling and competing for limited resources, they become angry and resentful, generating emotions that strangle and smother and destroy their love for one another. It is one thing for low income couples to struggle to make ends meet, but middle and upper income couples can make lives for themselves where they have at least adequate, and often abundant, resources to meet every legitimate need and to live in comfort and security--so long as they exercise a bit of financial discipline and restraint.

I firmly believe that, if couples would rein their desires to enjoy a standard of living that is more closely related to what they see in television than to a rational assessment of their own means, far fewer of them would need the services of myself and my colleages to end their marriages, sell and apportion their family possessions, and struggle over custody and visitation of their children.

And, again, I want to emphasize that I believe very strongly that there is nothing wrong with people having any of the nice things that I describe in this post--so long as they can afford them easily. My position here is not about materialism, but about removing a source of stress, contention, conflict, and potential disaster from a family.

So much of this pain is unnecessary, and could be avoided so easily, if only people would keep their credit cards in their wallets.

Postscript--for more about Marriage Killers and the book that my wife, Kathleen Honsinger, and I published on the subject, see my post on this blog for April 14, 2011.